i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
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do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?