My hand turned me down
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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