I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
