The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
