i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
