So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just invented taco cereal.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize