I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
