woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
