Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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