Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
