Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
