So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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