I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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