Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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