my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?