who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules