hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
