Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
