I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
