Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
