someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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