last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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