just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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