I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All the doctor said was why
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
