My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
