I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
