oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
