My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
