ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize