is your mom at the bar?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
