remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
