I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
this hospital has no fireball
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
