im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
