I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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