It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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