I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
