btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This baby is an asshole
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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