Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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