I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD