You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
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I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
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Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?