i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.