You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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