Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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