New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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