How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?