I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.