ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real