morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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