i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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