Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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