My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
