Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
