Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
