He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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