Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
